SHELLEY MARIE MATHER

 

 

Welcome

How We All Died With Her in the London Bombing, July 2005

 

 

 

John

 

 

She breaks my heart, the beautiful girl on the train,

she breaks all of my hearts, wiggling the fingers

of her left hand up under her chin in the dream,

goodbye. That’s her wide pale forehead, her owl-eyes

big behind the brand-new glamorous London glasses,

the Kelston girl who sat for hours, head in a book,

beside the Waitemata harbour.

 

She’s somebody now. She’s on the news. She’s missing.

 

In Auckland there’s rain and the augury of thunder.

The sun comes out, then it’s rain again as if we haven’t cried

enough. There’s no sign of her and the media are impatient.

They’re hungry for the story, they want to eat us.

Tell us your story, they say, we want to hear your story

and we say sorry, there’s no story yet, not till we’ve found her.

 

Maybe she just got off before the others,

simply stepped out of herself and off the train,

mooching back down the dark, stinking, rat infested,

scorching tunnel, beyond the blood, the burned bodies,

the wrecked metal, everything out of joint.

Maybe she simply moved out in all her sweet competence,

with that funny little loopy smile of hers

like a wise animal that knows how to slink back down

in the silky grass and wait there, ears turning like props,

till the death sounds stop and the killers have gone away.

 

Passengers are swimming in the exploded dark.

They’re like fish gaping open-mouthed towards the camera.

They’re trying to say something we cannot hear

and we shudder in case we see her. To see her would be far

more terrible than not to see her, more terrible even

than never to see her again. A dark fluency stirs and moves

things from place to place in the doomed carriage,

an arm, a leg, a ribcage, a credit card, a pink purse.

 

We don’t want to share her, we’ve swallowed her up,

we hold her safe in our bellies, her father, her mothers,

her brothers, her cousins, her aunt, her lovers, her friends,

we’re all groaning and weeping and holding onto each other

and laughing and swearing and screaming in this terrible birth.

 

 

How will we recognise her? Who can we trust

who will show her to us? Who dares tell us the truth?

 

Someone steps out of the crowd, walks calmly past

the smiling eyes of the dead pinned up in the alleyway

so we can find them. Someone goes underground,

kneels in the dark in the ditch beside the rails.

Someone leans over her, black brooch, curiously wrought

burnt-out ship. Someone holds her and finds her human,

fills her with their own sweet human angel breath.

 

And for just one moment, that’s enough for us.

 

Kathryn

 

Tributes to

Shelley

 

Those who

were

murdered

with

Shelley

 

Links

 

Poetry